Kind of hurts when the kind of words you say kind of turn themselves into knives...

Stayed exactly the same.
I went to the meeting knowing that this could happen. You don't lose 125 pounds and be a WW leader without knowing that a big loss one week is generally followed by minimal to no loss the next. I know this. I knew this.
But somehow it still bother(ed) me. I went in thinking at least I could pull out half a pound. I went in thinking "But I stayed on track. Even though it was so hard this week, I stayed on track. So I must have lost something."
This is when losing weight is the absolute worst. Sometimes your hard work just won't show. You can't do anything about it, sometimes. While you can have total control of other aspects of what your body does, your body sometimes does its own thing.
So I'm not going to lie. I got really down on myself. I kept thinking back on my week and thinking "I shouldn't have eaten that. I should have gone to the gym that day. Maybe I'm incapable of losing weight? What if I can't lose weight?" I was hurt.

And then I started worrying what I would do with my hurt feelings. I started actually getting afraid that this would discourage me enough to not go to WW anymore.

I guess the good thing is that those feelings made me realize how badly I wanted still to be healthy. I still want the convenience of being thin. I still want to have that assurance that I won't be susceptible to certain medical problems because of my weight.
When I realized that this was still a huge deal to me, I felt embarrassed by how hurt I was by my week. Because how many times have I urged other people to keep going after a not-so-good week? And who's to say that my week was a bad week? I didn't gain anything. I stayed exactly the same. I didn't go backwards. I'm fine. I'm still averaging 2.5 pounds a week! Which is amazing!
There's this song by Jason Mraz, "Beautiful Mess," that I identify with. It's about this girl who is just full of contradictions and how he loves her because of that. It's sort of my beacon of hope type song- because I feel I'm full of contradictions. But today I was listening to the song, and it came to the part where he sings, "And it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say kind of turn themselves into knives." Oh, Jason. You know me so well :) You always hear about how you should treat yourself like you would treat others. But it's so much easier said than done.
This week, like I said above, was difficult. The first few days were hard because I was in a snacky mood. Not hungry. I just wanted to constantly be snacking on something. And then my asthma medication ran out and my doctor wasn't coming into the clinic for a few days. I still worked out for the first couple days and was fine, but then my asthma problems started coming back, and I haven't been able to work out. Luckily, the doctor comes back in today, and I should be able to take my asthma medicine again tonight. But it was a hard week.
I'm on track, though. Still diligently counting my points. Still moving as much as I can.  I'm hoping for a good week this week.
I will keep you all updated! Be safe this week, everyone! Make good choices! :)

Cause you're confident, Babe...

People.
5 pounds. I lost five freaking pounds this week.
I was not expecting that. Not that I didn't stick to the plan, because I totally did. It was actually really easy to stick to the plan.
That's why I thought I wouldn't lose this week.
It never felt difficult. I was never hungry.
I got to my Weight Watchers meeting this morning, and the receptionists all smiled and said hi to me when I walked in (I make friends fast). I set my stuff down, and they asked me how I thought I did this week. So I told them, "I stayed on the plan, but I don't think I've lost anything. Part of me worries that this plan won't work for me." And this one receptionist waved her hand at me and said she thought I'd do great. And I stepped on the scale, and the receptionist shrugged and said, "So I guess it works for you." And I said, "Why? How'd I do?" And she, very matter-of-factly, said, "Well, you lost 5 pounds, so I'm thinking you did pretty great." And I honest to goodness thought she said 1.5 pounds and I had just spaced out because I'd wanted so bad to lose 5 pounds in a week. So I asked her to repeat that and both the receptionists started laughing and told me again.
You guys, it felt good. Now that I'm on this "quest" to be healthy, I'm scared of anything getting in my way to prevent that. I want it. Now I just need to stay focused so I can get it. So today when I realized this plan will actually work for me, it was more than a 5 pound weight lifted off my back. All the stress I've been carrying the last couple weeks, wondering if I'm even capable of losing weight anymore has disappeared. It feels good to know that I can accomplish my goals.
Anyway. Thankfully I didn't have any truly awful experiences this week, other than going to my Sales and Property Security classes, which always give me anxiety attacks.
My struggle came in the form of a monthly visitor this last week. My monthly visitor is slightly strange, though. For me, the week BEFORE Shark Week is full of depression and moodiness and I crave anything sugary. During Shark week I get terrible back aches and cramps, but I don't feel like eating. Ever. Anything. But, because of the back aches and cramps, I didn't work out as much as I was supposed to. I only went 3 times last week. I will do better this week, though.
My victory this week is not eating out as much as usual. I have a schedule this semester where I can eat dinner at home pretty much every day, but on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have classes over my lunch time, so I have to bring lunch or order Jimmy Johns. Tuesdays and Thursdays I can again eat at home. Which means being better at grocery shopping. Which is easy on the new Weight Watchers program. Everything is on the app, so you can just scan the barcode and it will tell you the amount of points a serving of that food would be! So I went to the grocery store right after my meeting last week and walked through the aisles and scanned foods that I usually ate (and was largely shocked at how much higher they were than I though they would be), and then walked around and scanned foods that I would like to try to see if they were a good points value. I walked out of the store with a cart full of fruits, veggies, healthy breads, lean meats, and popcorn.
Basically it's been a pretty solid week. I lost 5 pounds without even really trying... yes I tracked my foods and exercised three times and whatever... but it was just easy. I wasn't ever starving. I felt totally normal.
One thing that I find helps with my workouts: I have made pretty much the best playlist in the history of mankind. It's not super peppy music or anything, but they are all songs I absolutely LOVE (Lots of Florence + the Machine and MS MR on this playlist). And I've told myself I can only listen to this playlist while I workout and after I workout. So while I only worked out 3 times this week, I can tell you it would have been only 1 time were it not for the playlist. The other two days I was just in too much pain to go. Because Shark Week. So I guess that's my advice for all of you. Next week I'll post the playlist so you all can see- but really, it probably won't help you as much as it helps me, since they're my favorite songs. However, maybe you'll find a song you like on it, and it'll give you an idea of what songs you want on your workout playlist.
My title today comes from Meghan Trainor's "I feel Better When I'm Dancing" song... It is on my playlist, and whenever it comes on, I feel like dancing on the elliptical (Both a dangerous and thrilling activity. Try it with care.)
That's all I have for this week! Check in next week-- hopefully I'll pull out another loss!
Make good choices! :)

When they try to break, break, break you, that's when you get your break, break, breakthrough...

October 2009 is when I first started at Weight Watchers, which lead to losing 125 pounds. I remember being so unbelievably scared. The meeting was held in a conference room at a La Quinta hotel, right next door to the pool. I remember walking in and the smell of chlorine hitting me. My hands shook as I frantically looked around, trying to figure out what I needed to do and where I should go.  I remember older ladies sitting in groups talking and laughing loudly and feeling so alienated. I felt out of place. When I got to the weigh-in scale, the sweet lady at the desk smiled and said sweet things that I didn't hear and told me to stand on the scale. I stood, saw the number, and felt like throwing up. The sweet lady leaned across the table and whispered, "Don't worry. I was at the exact same number when I started. If I can do it, you can do it." Her words flooded me with relief... But relief opened the floodgate of tears. I quickly picked my things up and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall, slid down to the floor, and started crying. The weight of the work I had in front of me (no pun intended) devastated me. I felt powerless and sick. I knew I had to stick with it this time, though. So I resolved to take it week by week. I cleaned my face off and, though I'm sure everyone could tell by my red face and smudged make up that I'd been crying, walked back into the meeting room and stayed for the meeting as well as the get to know you session. Back then Weight Watchers was still on the Points system with the little slider deals that calculated how many points each food was worth by the fats fiber and calories. I was in Weight Watchers a long time. I got to know everyone in my meeting. I was active in the Weight Watcher discussions. We moved from the fats fiber and calories points, to the fat fiber and protein points. Then we had calculators to figure out our points. 

Tonight I went back to my first Weight Watchers meeting... again. 

I couldn't help but think of the similarities  between this time and last time. My meeting this time is again in a conference room in the back of a La Quinta hotel. Again, the hotel smelled like chlorine, but not as powerful this time. This time when I walked in, I knew exactly where to go and what to do.  I filled out my paperwork, went to the receptionist and told her that I had been a Leader before... I told her that I had lost 125 pounds and gained it back, but if I knew what weight I was at now, I would be too discouraged to do it. The lady smiled and said, "Don't worry. I was the exact same way when I started. I'll put a big note in your card so we don't forget. I've actually done this for a few other ladies tonight, too." I weighed in. Because I didn't know my weight, the ladies were super nice and helped set up my internet Weight Watchers account, since I needed to enter in my weight there, too, to figure out how many PointsPlus I have. Yes, they've changed the system again. (But this system seems way better than the last system, so I'm okay with it.)

Here's the biggest difference of the night, though: While I still cried- this time it was more out of a joyful relief than of depression. I stood in the back of the room listening to the Leader give the meeting and I heard the ladies of the group chime in with their victories and their "tricks," and I had this overwhelming sense that I'd finally come home. 

I have a huge trek in front of me, and I'm so impatient already to reach goal. BUT, I'm glad I'm back with these people. I've never met a single one of them before, but I feel like Weight Watchers groups are similar all around the world (I've been to a meeting in London, so I feel like I can make that claim). I didn't realize how much I'd missed the stories of wives secretly cooking healthy meals and their manly husbands unknowingly loving these healthy meals. I missed seeing people get stickers for their 5 pounds achievements and their keychains for 10% losses and 5k runs. I just missed being with people who understand. 

Anyways. 

Even though this was my first week weighing in, I still ate healthy and exercised for the last week. I went with a 1200 calorie diet and exercised an hour on weekdays. The great thing about writing this blog is that throughout the week I'm always thinking "Will I write about this being a weak part of my week or a victory?" I always want it to be a victory. I'll say that my biggest victory was going to the gym on Tuesday. I was exhausted and had lots of reading to do, and I just didn't feel like it. But I got in my workout clothes and headed to the gym anyway, still thinking I could turn around and just not go, and then I thought, "Well, I'll go in and do elliptical for 10 minutes. 10 minutes of elliptical is more than no minutes of elliptical, so that's what I'll do." So I got in the gym, on the elliptical, put on my Pandora, and began pumping my legs. For real: I hated it. That first 5 minutes was pure TORTURE. I wanted to give up so bad, but I had promised at least 10 minutes, so I stayed on. 

Then Kelly Clarkson came on. Her song "Second Wind," is kind of the most perfect song ever. So I'm on the elliptical and Kelly Clarkson comes on and suddenly I'm thinking "Well, I could probably do 20 minutes." "Second Wind" gets me motivated, though. If you haven't read the lyrics, you should: "You can't forget about me, while you weren't looking I was getting even higher. Say what you want about me: your words are gasoline on my fire. You can hate me, underestimate me. Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me. Just when you think I'm at the end, any second I'ma catch my second wind." I switched to my personal music and played a bunch of Kelly Clarkson music to keep me motivated. I switched to the treadmill after a half hour because my feet were sore, but I wanted to keep going so I could keep feeling empowered by Lady Clarkson. So I did another half hour walking on an incline on the treadmill. By the end of my work out I'd been there an hour and had burned over 550 calories. THAT'S a victory, my friends. 

Low points did happen this week, of course. I was talking to a friend on the phone again (maybe I should just stop talking to friends on the phone?) and s/he was telling me about kissing someone over break. Then my friend said "But now I know I'm over *unnamed person* because while I was kissing him/her I thought 'Why am I kissing this fat piece of lard'? And I don't think you're supposed to think that about people you like." Yes. My friend actually said that. In response I said, "So you don't like *unnamed person* because s/he's fat?" And my friend says "No! That's not what I said!"and I said "But that's what made you realize you didn't like them." Then my friend whined and said, "Is that horrible? Am I a horrible person? Am I shallow? Do you hate me?" And I couldn't say anything because I knew if I said anything, it would be "Yes! Yes you're a horrible person and yes you're shallow!" But I didn't. I was polite and eventually said "It just means you have a type, and that type is skinny. I like men who are on the chubbier side. It's just a preference." Which is true-- but I've never been turned off by a guy simply because he was skinny. I told my friend I had to get back to studying and hung up as fast as I could. But that conversation lingered the rest of the night. I haven't been in a relationship in 2 years. I haven't kissed anyone in 2 years. The last guy I was sort of kind of dating was the last guy to kiss me, and he'd said that he'd only kissed me because he felt bad for me. Had he been thinking what my friend had been thinking? "Why am I kissing this fat piece of lard?" Since that last kiss, I haven't tried getting involved with anyone because I have this fear that that's what the guy WILL be thinking. I feel like even when I get to goal weight this time, I'll still have that fear but instead of worrying that he's doing it out of pity or getting grossed out by my fatness, I'll be worrying that if I gain any weight, he WILL think it. Yes. My mind is a scary, paranoid, pessimistic place. 

I have been paying closer attention to the people around me this week, though. And I truly think that while in large people suck, there are some good eggs out there who work pretty hard at not sucking. I just need to figure out a way to tell the sucky people who pretend to be good people from the actual good people. Any tips/suggestions on how I might be able to do that would be appreciated. 

It is late, though, and I need sleep. I do recommend Kelly Clarkson's "Second Wind," though. Even if you aren't losing weight- it's a good reminder that it doesn't matter what people say or think- you can do it... whatever it is you are doing. 

Have a good week, and I'll check in again next Thursday with how much I've lost/gained! 

Only Have One Match...

Here's my story:

I am 27 years old. I'm in my 2L year of law school. I'm short. Blonde. Me-ish? 

I live alone in an apartment with very thin walls, and every inch of every wall in my apartment are covered in inspirational quotes and movie/ music posters. I like staying in, which may surprise some since when I'm forced into social situations, I can be very friendly. But it stresses me out, and you can bet if you see me at a party that in my head I'm LITERALLY (very serious use of "literal" here) counting down minutes until I can leave without causing offense to someone. 

I like to laugh. One time my sister and I sat on our parents' bed and laughed for over an hour straight. We would laugh different laughs and then laugh at our silly laughs, and then laugh some more when our real laughs did something weird-- like make us wheeze or snort. That's one of my most favorite memories. 

This is me, more or less. 

In 2009 I began losing weight. I was 125 pounds overweight. I had been overweight most of my life up until then, but a conversation with my dad put me in the right direction, and I started Weight Watchers. One year and 7 months later I lost 125 pounds. 

At the time, I couldn't imagine feeling happier. People were complimenting me everywhere I went at how GOOD I looked. The guy I had been smitten with for YEARS asked me to be his girlfriend. I suddenly had a thousand people who wanted to be my friend and hang out. Guys held open doors for me. People would strike up conversations with me in lines at grocery stores. I was flirted with EVERYWHERE I went. 

The guy I was smitten with for years and I only dated for a couple months. At first I was so sad about the break up that I couldn't even talk to another guy without feeling sick. And then a few months later, I fell for pretty much any guy who smiled at me. This is how it would go: A guy would see me. He'd smile. I'd smile. He'd walk up and start talking to me. Later he'd text me and ask to hang out. We'd hang out. We'd make out. Then he'd reveal that he's not super good with his cell phone and can't hang out a lot and I'd never hear from him again. This happened more than 5 times. But I had so many friends! So many people wanted to sit by me in church or go to the gym with me or go to the movies! And then I hurt my knee and my shoulder in quick succession. I still went to the gym, but couldn't do as much as usual and I quickly gained some weight back. Suddenly I didn't have as many guy's asking to hang out. Then it was almost like I COULDN'T lose weight.. I tried so hard to lose weight or at least stay the same, but I kept gaining. I went to the doctor, and he said because I'd been on such a strict diet and exercise regime for so long, that my body was storing any fat it came across. The doctor said to eat normally, lessen my exercise, and that it will get better in a few months. But in the next few months, I gained even MORE weight. As I gained weight, I lost friends. And I know that sounds contrived and like an excuse, but I'm telling the honest to goodness truth. Fewer guys held open doors for me. Less people were anxious to sit by me. A couple guys during this time did seem interested, but it turned out that they were the type of guys who preyed on girls with low self esteem-- they would flirt with those girls to make out with them, and then be done. One time when my weight had started getting out of control, a guy had kissed me and afterward said that he only did it because he felt bad for me. 

I tried losing weight, but I started working at a law firm and was working long hours and was just tired and stressed all the time. 

Then I started law school. My first year I had VERY little time to do anything but study. But honestly, if I sincerely wanted it, I would have gone back to rigid gym schedules and eating calendars if it meant only getting 3 hours of sleep. And then I got asthma and COULDN'T work out with wishing for death. But the thing is: At that point I didn't really want to lose weight.  I was back to being overweight and back to being essentially invisible. Not very many people compliment me. I lost most of my "friends." I was back to being the "sister" to guys I found attractive. All this, and I was much happier being overweight than I had been when I was thin. Because while being actually thin was really nice, finding out that all my friends, guys I fell for, and random strangers I met only cared about my weight was excruciatingly painful. I was still me. But me at 120 pounds was apparently worth more respect and admiration than me at 180 pounds or 200 pounds. 

This whole experience has taught me one very important fact: People Suck. 

But I have decided to go back to Weight Watchers and lose the weight again. 

Not to have dates again. Not to get more friends. Not even to feel prettier or happier... because honestly I feel happier right now as I am. 

But simply because it's healthier and more convenient to be at a healthy weight. That's it. No other reason. The only thing is I'm petrified of it starting up again. I'm afraid of the inevitable comments and compliments about how "good" I am looking. I told one friend that I was going back to weight watchers, and s/he said, "I'm so glad to hear that, because I can only imagine how awful you must be feeling right now like that." THIS is the type of comment I'm afraid of. THIS is what makes me not want to lose weight. 

But I have to. Because regardless of what people will say or do, I need to do this to be healthy. 

I had a weight loss blog before. It was very inspirational and full of optimism. This one will still be funny, but it'll be more realistic. I'll again let you all know how much I lose or gain each week, but won't actually disclose my weight. I'll make this blog be more helpful-- I'll be honest about what foods I eat are actually good, the work outs that are helpful as well as the ones that aren't. I'll post my workout playlists and playlists of songs that help me through cravings time. I'll tell you my hardest struggles of the week and my biggest victories (which, let's be honest, could be "just" saying no to a cookie. Because COOKIES.) This is my weight loss journey part 2. And this time it will be done right... for the right reasons and with the right frame of mind.

If you ever have questions about how I'm doing things, feel free to ask in the comments. But again, I can't promise my answers will be inspirational or particularly helpful. But they will  be honest. Because losing weight is a bitch, and it doesn't help to have it seem like anything other than that. 

My titles will always be song lyrics. Today's is Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

Because I'm taking back my life and proving I'm all right ;)