When they try to break, break, break you, that's when you get your break, break, breakthrough...

October 2009 is when I first started at Weight Watchers, which lead to losing 125 pounds. I remember being so unbelievably scared. The meeting was held in a conference room at a La Quinta hotel, right next door to the pool. I remember walking in and the smell of chlorine hitting me. My hands shook as I frantically looked around, trying to figure out what I needed to do and where I should go.  I remember older ladies sitting in groups talking and laughing loudly and feeling so alienated. I felt out of place. When I got to the weigh-in scale, the sweet lady at the desk smiled and said sweet things that I didn't hear and told me to stand on the scale. I stood, saw the number, and felt like throwing up. The sweet lady leaned across the table and whispered, "Don't worry. I was at the exact same number when I started. If I can do it, you can do it." Her words flooded me with relief... But relief opened the floodgate of tears. I quickly picked my things up and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in a stall, slid down to the floor, and started crying. The weight of the work I had in front of me (no pun intended) devastated me. I felt powerless and sick. I knew I had to stick with it this time, though. So I resolved to take it week by week. I cleaned my face off and, though I'm sure everyone could tell by my red face and smudged make up that I'd been crying, walked back into the meeting room and stayed for the meeting as well as the get to know you session. Back then Weight Watchers was still on the Points system with the little slider deals that calculated how many points each food was worth by the fats fiber and calories. I was in Weight Watchers a long time. I got to know everyone in my meeting. I was active in the Weight Watcher discussions. We moved from the fats fiber and calories points, to the fat fiber and protein points. Then we had calculators to figure out our points. 

Tonight I went back to my first Weight Watchers meeting... again. 

I couldn't help but think of the similarities  between this time and last time. My meeting this time is again in a conference room in the back of a La Quinta hotel. Again, the hotel smelled like chlorine, but not as powerful this time. This time when I walked in, I knew exactly where to go and what to do.  I filled out my paperwork, went to the receptionist and told her that I had been a Leader before... I told her that I had lost 125 pounds and gained it back, but if I knew what weight I was at now, I would be too discouraged to do it. The lady smiled and said, "Don't worry. I was the exact same way when I started. I'll put a big note in your card so we don't forget. I've actually done this for a few other ladies tonight, too." I weighed in. Because I didn't know my weight, the ladies were super nice and helped set up my internet Weight Watchers account, since I needed to enter in my weight there, too, to figure out how many PointsPlus I have. Yes, they've changed the system again. (But this system seems way better than the last system, so I'm okay with it.)

Here's the biggest difference of the night, though: While I still cried- this time it was more out of a joyful relief than of depression. I stood in the back of the room listening to the Leader give the meeting and I heard the ladies of the group chime in with their victories and their "tricks," and I had this overwhelming sense that I'd finally come home. 

I have a huge trek in front of me, and I'm so impatient already to reach goal. BUT, I'm glad I'm back with these people. I've never met a single one of them before, but I feel like Weight Watchers groups are similar all around the world (I've been to a meeting in London, so I feel like I can make that claim). I didn't realize how much I'd missed the stories of wives secretly cooking healthy meals and their manly husbands unknowingly loving these healthy meals. I missed seeing people get stickers for their 5 pounds achievements and their keychains for 10% losses and 5k runs. I just missed being with people who understand. 

Anyways. 

Even though this was my first week weighing in, I still ate healthy and exercised for the last week. I went with a 1200 calorie diet and exercised an hour on weekdays. The great thing about writing this blog is that throughout the week I'm always thinking "Will I write about this being a weak part of my week or a victory?" I always want it to be a victory. I'll say that my biggest victory was going to the gym on Tuesday. I was exhausted and had lots of reading to do, and I just didn't feel like it. But I got in my workout clothes and headed to the gym anyway, still thinking I could turn around and just not go, and then I thought, "Well, I'll go in and do elliptical for 10 minutes. 10 minutes of elliptical is more than no minutes of elliptical, so that's what I'll do." So I got in the gym, on the elliptical, put on my Pandora, and began pumping my legs. For real: I hated it. That first 5 minutes was pure TORTURE. I wanted to give up so bad, but I had promised at least 10 minutes, so I stayed on. 

Then Kelly Clarkson came on. Her song "Second Wind," is kind of the most perfect song ever. So I'm on the elliptical and Kelly Clarkson comes on and suddenly I'm thinking "Well, I could probably do 20 minutes." "Second Wind" gets me motivated, though. If you haven't read the lyrics, you should: "You can't forget about me, while you weren't looking I was getting even higher. Say what you want about me: your words are gasoline on my fire. You can hate me, underestimate me. Do what you do cause what you do don't phase me. Just when you think I'm at the end, any second I'ma catch my second wind." I switched to my personal music and played a bunch of Kelly Clarkson music to keep me motivated. I switched to the treadmill after a half hour because my feet were sore, but I wanted to keep going so I could keep feeling empowered by Lady Clarkson. So I did another half hour walking on an incline on the treadmill. By the end of my work out I'd been there an hour and had burned over 550 calories. THAT'S a victory, my friends. 

Low points did happen this week, of course. I was talking to a friend on the phone again (maybe I should just stop talking to friends on the phone?) and s/he was telling me about kissing someone over break. Then my friend said "But now I know I'm over *unnamed person* because while I was kissing him/her I thought 'Why am I kissing this fat piece of lard'? And I don't think you're supposed to think that about people you like." Yes. My friend actually said that. In response I said, "So you don't like *unnamed person* because s/he's fat?" And my friend says "No! That's not what I said!"and I said "But that's what made you realize you didn't like them." Then my friend whined and said, "Is that horrible? Am I a horrible person? Am I shallow? Do you hate me?" And I couldn't say anything because I knew if I said anything, it would be "Yes! Yes you're a horrible person and yes you're shallow!" But I didn't. I was polite and eventually said "It just means you have a type, and that type is skinny. I like men who are on the chubbier side. It's just a preference." Which is true-- but I've never been turned off by a guy simply because he was skinny. I told my friend I had to get back to studying and hung up as fast as I could. But that conversation lingered the rest of the night. I haven't been in a relationship in 2 years. I haven't kissed anyone in 2 years. The last guy I was sort of kind of dating was the last guy to kiss me, and he'd said that he'd only kissed me because he felt bad for me. Had he been thinking what my friend had been thinking? "Why am I kissing this fat piece of lard?" Since that last kiss, I haven't tried getting involved with anyone because I have this fear that that's what the guy WILL be thinking. I feel like even when I get to goal weight this time, I'll still have that fear but instead of worrying that he's doing it out of pity or getting grossed out by my fatness, I'll be worrying that if I gain any weight, he WILL think it. Yes. My mind is a scary, paranoid, pessimistic place. 

I have been paying closer attention to the people around me this week, though. And I truly think that while in large people suck, there are some good eggs out there who work pretty hard at not sucking. I just need to figure out a way to tell the sucky people who pretend to be good people from the actual good people. Any tips/suggestions on how I might be able to do that would be appreciated. 

It is late, though, and I need sleep. I do recommend Kelly Clarkson's "Second Wind," though. Even if you aren't losing weight- it's a good reminder that it doesn't matter what people say or think- you can do it... whatever it is you are doing. 

Have a good week, and I'll check in again next Thursday with how much I've lost/gained!