Only Have One Match...

Here's my story:

I am 27 years old. I'm in my 2L year of law school. I'm short. Blonde. Me-ish? 

I live alone in an apartment with very thin walls, and every inch of every wall in my apartment are covered in inspirational quotes and movie/ music posters. I like staying in, which may surprise some since when I'm forced into social situations, I can be very friendly. But it stresses me out, and you can bet if you see me at a party that in my head I'm LITERALLY (very serious use of "literal" here) counting down minutes until I can leave without causing offense to someone. 

I like to laugh. One time my sister and I sat on our parents' bed and laughed for over an hour straight. We would laugh different laughs and then laugh at our silly laughs, and then laugh some more when our real laughs did something weird-- like make us wheeze or snort. That's one of my most favorite memories. 

This is me, more or less. 

In 2009 I began losing weight. I was 125 pounds overweight. I had been overweight most of my life up until then, but a conversation with my dad put me in the right direction, and I started Weight Watchers. One year and 7 months later I lost 125 pounds. 

At the time, I couldn't imagine feeling happier. People were complimenting me everywhere I went at how GOOD I looked. The guy I had been smitten with for YEARS asked me to be his girlfriend. I suddenly had a thousand people who wanted to be my friend and hang out. Guys held open doors for me. People would strike up conversations with me in lines at grocery stores. I was flirted with EVERYWHERE I went. 

The guy I was smitten with for years and I only dated for a couple months. At first I was so sad about the break up that I couldn't even talk to another guy without feeling sick. And then a few months later, I fell for pretty much any guy who smiled at me. This is how it would go: A guy would see me. He'd smile. I'd smile. He'd walk up and start talking to me. Later he'd text me and ask to hang out. We'd hang out. We'd make out. Then he'd reveal that he's not super good with his cell phone and can't hang out a lot and I'd never hear from him again. This happened more than 5 times. But I had so many friends! So many people wanted to sit by me in church or go to the gym with me or go to the movies! And then I hurt my knee and my shoulder in quick succession. I still went to the gym, but couldn't do as much as usual and I quickly gained some weight back. Suddenly I didn't have as many guy's asking to hang out. Then it was almost like I COULDN'T lose weight.. I tried so hard to lose weight or at least stay the same, but I kept gaining. I went to the doctor, and he said because I'd been on such a strict diet and exercise regime for so long, that my body was storing any fat it came across. The doctor said to eat normally, lessen my exercise, and that it will get better in a few months. But in the next few months, I gained even MORE weight. As I gained weight, I lost friends. And I know that sounds contrived and like an excuse, but I'm telling the honest to goodness truth. Fewer guys held open doors for me. Less people were anxious to sit by me. A couple guys during this time did seem interested, but it turned out that they were the type of guys who preyed on girls with low self esteem-- they would flirt with those girls to make out with them, and then be done. One time when my weight had started getting out of control, a guy had kissed me and afterward said that he only did it because he felt bad for me. 

I tried losing weight, but I started working at a law firm and was working long hours and was just tired and stressed all the time. 

Then I started law school. My first year I had VERY little time to do anything but study. But honestly, if I sincerely wanted it, I would have gone back to rigid gym schedules and eating calendars if it meant only getting 3 hours of sleep. And then I got asthma and COULDN'T work out with wishing for death. But the thing is: At that point I didn't really want to lose weight.  I was back to being overweight and back to being essentially invisible. Not very many people compliment me. I lost most of my "friends." I was back to being the "sister" to guys I found attractive. All this, and I was much happier being overweight than I had been when I was thin. Because while being actually thin was really nice, finding out that all my friends, guys I fell for, and random strangers I met only cared about my weight was excruciatingly painful. I was still me. But me at 120 pounds was apparently worth more respect and admiration than me at 180 pounds or 200 pounds. 

This whole experience has taught me one very important fact: People Suck. 

But I have decided to go back to Weight Watchers and lose the weight again. 

Not to have dates again. Not to get more friends. Not even to feel prettier or happier... because honestly I feel happier right now as I am. 

But simply because it's healthier and more convenient to be at a healthy weight. That's it. No other reason. The only thing is I'm petrified of it starting up again. I'm afraid of the inevitable comments and compliments about how "good" I am looking. I told one friend that I was going back to weight watchers, and s/he said, "I'm so glad to hear that, because I can only imagine how awful you must be feeling right now like that." THIS is the type of comment I'm afraid of. THIS is what makes me not want to lose weight. 

But I have to. Because regardless of what people will say or do, I need to do this to be healthy. 

I had a weight loss blog before. It was very inspirational and full of optimism. This one will still be funny, but it'll be more realistic. I'll again let you all know how much I lose or gain each week, but won't actually disclose my weight. I'll make this blog be more helpful-- I'll be honest about what foods I eat are actually good, the work outs that are helpful as well as the ones that aren't. I'll post my workout playlists and playlists of songs that help me through cravings time. I'll tell you my hardest struggles of the week and my biggest victories (which, let's be honest, could be "just" saying no to a cookie. Because COOKIES.) This is my weight loss journey part 2. And this time it will be done right... for the right reasons and with the right frame of mind.

If you ever have questions about how I'm doing things, feel free to ask in the comments. But again, I can't promise my answers will be inspirational or particularly helpful. But they will  be honest. Because losing weight is a bitch, and it doesn't help to have it seem like anything other than that. 

My titles will always be song lyrics. Today's is Rachel Platten's "Fight Song."

Because I'm taking back my life and proving I'm all right ;)